Book left out in the rain.
So yesterday was our one-year anniversary. One year since we met.
I don't even know what to think.
Did we make it?
Not really.
But it's not like we didn't make it either.
I guess we're still connected in some way... I don't really know how to explain it. What I'm trying to say is that if one of us were struggling or needed someone to talk to, I think there's this quiet understanding that we'd still have each other's back, even if it's only on a casual level.
I wanted to think it through first.
Should I send you a message, or should I leave it alone?
To be honest, I was at work and so busy that I didn't really have time to overthink it. By the time I finished my shift, I realised I'd regret staying silent more than I'd regret sending it.
So I typed a few lines while wiping away tears, knowing it wouldn't change where we stand, but still feeling like I needed to send it.
I didn't expect you to reply.
I think I'd slowly come to realise that your last message—"I'll tell you about it once things calm down"—was probably more of a courtesy than a promise that we'd talk again soon.
Still...
I waited this whole damn time. 😂
Anyway.
Your reply moved me so much that my eyes instantly filled with tears. I couldn't help it. I just went and hid in the bathroom until I'd calmed down a little.
Haha...I even sent you a picture.
I thought maybe we'd laugh about it together, but I guess neither of us was really in the mood.
I tried to keep the conversation going just a little longer, but I could feel that you were ready to let it come to a natural end without being unkind, so I let it end too.
Tonight I spent half an hour silently laughing, crying, and shaking all at the same time.
That's normal... right?
I had to get rid of social media.
TikTok.
Instagram.
I kept coming across tarot and card readings, and they were really messing with my head.
I don't really know what to do anymore.
Feeling everything and sitting with it is excruciating.
Trying not to feel it makes me spiral.
Right now, I'm constantly moving between those two states.
I wonder how you're doing.
Have you already let go?
Are you moving forward?
And if you are, does that also mean you're moving further away from me?
Are you struggling as much as I am?
I can only assume that moving forward is something you've genuinely learned how to do.
I guess I just want you to be happy.
If letting me go is what genuinely makes you happy...
Then I have to accept it.
Don't I?
I don't want to.
But I guess it's something I'll have to come to terms with eventually.
Will I ever?
I reread our conversation at work today.
There were two people sitting with me in the office.
Thank fuck they were busy and didn't notice the tears running down my face.
I don't think I would've been able to hold myself together if someone had looked at me and gently asked,
"Are you okay?"
I think I would've fallen apart like a book left out in the rain.
Even when someone means well...
Even when they're gentle... If you try to pick up a soaked book, the pages still tear.
Not because you were careless.
Just because they were already too fragile.
I'm glad nobody noticed.
I'm glad I didn't have to fall apart in front of someone else's eyes.
Well...
I think that's all I wanted to say for now.
I guess writing it down helps.
Even if it only helps for a little while.